When all was said and done I was finally there. No longer on the edge but beyond...
I have taken it! The decision to live life as I want and deserve. The decision to do what I'm capable of...
That's not one of those moments when you know in your heart of hearts it’s safe as you will fall back into old routines sooner or later. It is the opposite! It is one of the others when you can look at yourself from a distance and know - there is no turning back. A courageous point when destiny is shaped.
I’ve been experimenting with the taste of that for some time now. Inadequately moving forward and frequently turning my head back or looking down to check if the past and the ground were still behind and under. Could I land safely where I was?
The wind was pulling me hard and beyond the line yet I wasn’t ready to go. I was, I said, tasting. Sometimes even breathing it deeply, sensing the smell. The change was there, screaming at me, inviting with its determined stare. But I couldn’t. 9 months past since I first felt that strong sensation that something is shifting irreversibly. 9 months I was looking over my shoulder frantically while everything on the other side promised me happiness. Everything promised me meaning and joy. Why couldn’t I go?
The fear of “What if…” was comfortably snuggling in my soul. It made a home for itself, biting my freedom as if it was biting its dirty nails. Little bad habit of which I was almost in control but never exactly. A crazy little bitch that had her eyes wide closed with a terrified look on her smile. That was it.
The irony… you can’t go back to the past, there is no ground to step on – life changes non stop. The feeling of stability is a nasty, sweet and addictive illusion we crave. Seemingly tangible…until it no longer is. You know well the feeling of relying on something until suddenly you no longer have it. How often it turns out "stability" was only in your head? And how long does it take for things to just change? A second, a minute or two … and done - it’s all different.
I knew it! Yet … strong need to belong to my past was holding me tight. At moments it felt annoyingly sticky. Why? Did I miss someone from there? Did I like it that much? Did I have business unfinished I couldn’t forget? “No” to any of those! What was it then!?
And there I saw it now from the far of perspective – it was me who I'd miss. My old self that I had to let go of together with the rest. To make a change you need to change.
A lot of the “I am's”, “I likes” and “I hates” – they had to be gone. The 'me' who ran for the bus with a grin in her 17s or the one head over heels in love – I had to let go of those too. I could no longer be that. I had to accept - lovingly - I change! Took a deep breath and then smiled. Freedom at last.
Stunning discovery – the crazy bitch inside is now in a shock. She'll need plenty of time to find another reason for biting my soul. There was nothing there to make a good home for her now. The once dark corners turned brighter. Wind finally started to come through windows closed for so long. Could it be? - Letting go from within brought me closer to ... me.